Oh god, please, please will someone write an article where people are styled differently than they were before? Can they be made to run on treadmills? Can their clothing be replaced with other, more magical clothing?
Anyone who takes on this honorable task must also take care to announce that these beneficiaries of such an unrelenting visual communism have traded in their miserable “drab” for the far more enviable situation of being “fab”!
Who among you is brave and wise enough to break this ground?!
I don’t always like to link blogs and sites I visit, because there’s always the possibility that someone will go look at the site. Then they’ll see how great it is, and they’ll see all the dumb stuff I’ve said in the comments sections. They’ll start going back, and all of a sudden the solitary experience of visiting a great blog is stolen from me. See how evil you would be if you did that?
No?
OK, nevermind then. Forget I said anything.
I’d sacrifice the whole experience, anyway. to let you see this gem that comes from the incomparable group of Toaster People at Audience of Two.
Usually, my psychic sense is very in tune with rhyming truths. Meaning that if I predict the sun will come out, it probably means something like, the gum will run out. Here are 13 things that rhyme with or sound like possible events this year. Enjoy/Beware/Disregard!
13. The idea that young celebrities behave inappropriately because they are troubled - not because they are “idiots” or “skanks” - will gain mainstream acceptance. However, speculating about people who have little to do with their actual lives will remain inexplicably interesting to most people.
12. Ann Coulter is revealed as an elaborate performance art project conceptualized by 22 year old Nathan B. Womack of Michigan. His thrilling account of his sexual reassignment surgery, origins of his outlandish statements, his brush with international fame, and his profound interest in the band Good Charlotte, are all detailed in his latest book, entitled “Truth is a Liberal Lie.”
11. Joel McHale will fall out of favor with the American public because he stopped making constant suicide jokes after the writers strike. Carlos Mencia will steal said jokes and be promoted to host of Chelsea Lately.
10. The recently popularized “Speak English” campaign will successfully lobby for amended laws in at least two states. Immediately, Facebook groups pop up in response announcing that the United States has no official adopted language. Among public schoolers, the attitude that people must speak English in America will be received as elitist and ignorant. Interest in learning the Cherokee tongue will skyrocket. My father will go to jail for joking, “If those freaks want to speak English, they can go back to England!”
9. Your children will die because they saw The Golden Compass. Sorry.
8. The entire ghost population will receive a summons to trial in the only slightly publicized Spirits vs. Johnny Bob Martin, in which Martin seeks damages for intimidation and unspecified injury. Martin’s case will be thrown out. In an unrelated case, 2 ghosts are given probation after being overheard saying “I’d kill that Martin, if ghosts could kill people.”
7. The Food Network will continue their pursuit of the 18-24 Male audience. By November they gain exclusive rights to air Ninja Warrior. Paula Deen does a special in which she bakes an inflatable pool full of Mississipi Mud, then mud wrestles Giada - who insists on calling Deen by her Italian name, “PAH-OOH-d’lah.”
6. Inconceivably, America elects a Republican president.
5. My whereabouts continue to evade 3 collections agencies. After one too many unheeded telegrams to his superiors, the IT guy at one of the agencies projects his Mac’s screen onto the company’s east wall and opens The Google. He is shot on sight and his computer is quickly wrapped in a lead apron and driven to an occult expert, who begins using it to collect money from debtors. The company finds out and makes plans to sue the occultist, but is unable to locate him.
4. I get into a good steady relationship and feel like a beautiful and interesting person for at least several months. I screw it up but I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Someone tells me I have to let love fill me up like a sponge before I can give it to others. I get offended and write a song about it, but I can’t manage to play the song, so I give up. Over the next month I spend a combined 12-13 hours sobbing while listening to “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” by the Backstreet Boys.
3. After the release of that scary eye patch movie, America unifies for a moment to announce that Tom Cruise is crazy for believing in his religion. Tyra Banks does a show on religious intolerance and she has everyone in her audience write their religious affiliation on their t-shirts.. Those who identify as scientologist are simply given red A’s and blindfolds, and made to sit quietly in the back. Tyra’s own shirt reads,”Lauer First Chapel of Glib.”
2. Nancy Grace verbally assaults a guest commentator using the argument, “I am a mother of two twins!”
1. I try Circus Peanuts again to see if they are still vile. I immediately conclude that they really, really are.
I blame the media (because I like to) for teaching us that being right is the exact same as being interesting. Very tricky, media!
This revolution bodes well for our friends the Well Actuallys. That said, I’m losing potential boyfriends at an astounding rate, as hordes of nerdy men adopt pretension as a way of relating to others.
I’m willing to fight to find real character under all that. We’ve all been treated like resum’es on dates; it’s natural for you to want to recite yours. But if I have to wade through countless crushes only to be told what I left out of my story or whether Maddox disagrees with me, I’m not going to last. I want to talk about a song I like, and you have to tell me it’s a cover. You tell me how many carbs are in our dinner. You start to recite all the supreme court justices, I don’t know. The facts themselves aren’t horrible, but it leads to this weird self-righteous judgmental attitude.
Besides… I already have a lover who gives me all the trivia I need, and then another who unapologetically assumes I’m stupid.
Preachy, but necessary. My advice is to ask a woman a question or two. Then respect her answer. Practice in the mirror, or on your pillow. And buy my new book, “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Women But Were Too Busy Critiquing Vista To Ask.”
How many times have I gone on hiatus? If you said, more times than you’ve gone on duty but fewer times than some other large amount, you’re correct. The truth is that life has to come first these days, and my imaginary audience gets to take a backseat. But pretend it’s a station wagon backseat and that will make it fun for you.
Behind all my crazy and my weird lies a real person, and that person is absolutely crazy and really really weird. Can you imagine having to live this way? This is my argument for the fact that sometimes my life just isn’t very funny. Why do I feel the need to apologize so often for the fact that this sporadically updated blog is sporadically updated? Well, I’m insecure. And posting this also knocks out one small task so I can feel like I got something done today.
I like to hit the Mute button during commercials. Yeah, I have big opinions about how pathetic it is that Americans must endure commercials at all times, but they’re boring so nevermind.
Only the Adult Swim bumps and a handful of other commercials (I can think of one local hospital commercial) have a the right idea: Don’t brutally kick-box people’s senses while they recline in the safety of their homes.
Yes, I have a list of grievances a mile long. There’s the fact that commercials now acknowledge their influence on American musical taste, and strategically choose well-known “unknown” artists in an effort to look cool. Children, these are corporations. They are not “cool.”
And why haven’t they figured out that silence is a much more effective tool to make people pay attention to the message? It’s like they’re doing a project for an advertising class; they’re not using common sense. And everyone knows “free” either means “$18 S&H” or “With a paid subscription” or my favorite, “You’ll forget to mail this back to us, and we’ll bill you.”
The point here is that I’ve noticed a few ads that offend me so strongly that I actually hit the POWER button on my TV. I am so irrationally overcome by an extreme need to make the commercial stop right this second, that my mute button is simply no good.
Here is a short list of the offenders I’ve noticed as of late.
5. The Vonage commercials. I know them on sight, and I’ve gotten very good at turning them off before the woo-hoo chorus starts. It’s been something like two years they’ve continued this campaign despite my impassioned protest e-mails, which read something like, “I don’t care if Vonage is giving out the antidote to SARS, I’ll never give you any money.” Aw, it’s nice to realize how old and opinionated I’ve gotten.
4. Any images of this founding member of Future Creepy Cult Leaders of Television:
3. The precise moment (it used to be 10 seconds in, now I can call it at 5) I realize this is a whiny Old Navy song, and not the song the Whos sing in Whoville at the end of the story.
2. Lipozene… Oh you have to be kidding me. I can’t even begin to explain why this is so offensive. “BODY FAT IS UNATTRACTIVE!” Wow, did the Obesity Research Institute tell you that too then? Thanks for the unnecessary insult to the majority of your viewers, and all the people who are attracted to them. I had a subscription to Cosmopolitan like every other needlessly insecure young girl, and I’m already wise to your game. p.s. I hate you.
This isn’t the offending ad, but it’s just as dumb. Some blond journalist spewing propaganda and saying, “It’s not your fault! You aren’t the one who had children, has a job, doesn’t exercise, and eats the wrong foods!” Gee, your mixed messages have changed my life. Send me two boxes of this clinically proven miracle that is only available over the counter, post haste.
1. 1,2,3,4 Tell me that you love me more, 5,6,7,8 Bombard me with a song I hate.
There really a people who get paid to assign music to any given ad - these people are practically musical encyclopedias. How disappointing that somehow they’ve only been able to choose Feist, Ingrid Michaelson, the otherwise precious Regina Spektor, CSS, Mika, and Lifehouse over - oh, I don’t know, every other available musical act?
Music is probably the most immediate way that advertising can make a connection with me. Misusing it is the worst of the worst, so until things change, I’m keeping the remote control handy.
—
Here’s an example of a local commercial that doesn’t assault your peace of mind. Not the one I was talking about before, but still a good example.
Allie has yet to write the guest blog I wanted her to write. It’s been a while since I asked her, hasn’t it?
So, I like to think she knew that I would post this. Enjoy.
To supplement your declaration of certain words that can no longer be used in Christian media, I would like to add the following excerpt from a recent interview. The interviewee shall remain nameless in a small attempt to preserve his/her dignity.
“I grew up in a family of musicians,” says lead vocalist/rhythm guitarist and Gaither Vocal Band fan [John Doe]. “My mom, brother, sister and I have always sung Southern Gospel songs as the special music in our small Baptist church, and I still sing Southern Gospel on the side. In middle school I was introduced to pop music, which molded my voice more. When I joined [the band], I eventually developed more of a ‘rock voice.’”
“Developed” may be the understatement of the year. [John Doe]’s soaring vocal boldly stands atop a tightly knit four-piece musical bed that seamlessly blends influences like Anberlin, Jimmy Eat World and Foo Fighters. Still writing and rehearsing their songs together in the [hometown church] sanctuary, [the band] hopes its debut CD, produced by [the producer] (Superchick, Stellar Kart, By the Tree), will help the band stretch its wings and take them beyond the borders of the South, and even of the church.
“God has called us to ‘be a light in the darkness,’” [John Doe] notes. “We want to use our music to tell people about Jesus, people who might not hear the conventional way. We make music that could, because of its sound, easily make its way outside the walls of the church. There are so many songs out there portraying so many negative things. We want our music to be played alongside those songs, but we hope to send a positive message of hope and forgiveness to people who are hearing that message less and less.”
[Jim Doe] adds, “My top priority is to see people come to know Jesus because of something they hear in one of our songs or by something we say from stage or whatever platform we have. Just to change lives really. One thing that’s always been in my mind is to change what people think about Christianity and God. Some people view Christians and Christian bands as a joke, and I want to show people that we as Christians are real people living a real life through God and subsequently make them realize what we have is real and what they ultimately are longing for.”
[Brackets] mine.
I would like to declare that anything resembling the previous excerpt is forbidden for use in interviews from this point forward. Anyone who violates this decree will be subjected to public humiliation in front of the audience at multiple Christian music festivals.
Punishments will range in decree of severity as follows:
Minor: Violator will be forced to sing without backing tracks.
Medium: Violator will have to sing multiple songs – from memory – by a number of his/her so-called “musical influences”. (See above article – re: Jimmy Eat World, Foo Fighters)
Severe: Violator will be forced to admit being party to a sex scandal. Said sex scandal will not be allowed to be used as a vehicle for an altar call.
