nonsense!

I can’t drink alone? Why do you think I’m drinking!

you are a useless reporter

"Matter of fact we have been expecting something exactly like this to happen in our community for a long time. It was overdue. Shocked??  Naw. Do we want justice? For that? Come on. Come on, man."

aw shot. no forks left.

Scientists say that 12% of my life will be spent trying to reuse dishes from the dishwasher to avoid emptying them.

why men want children with you

“Well. I have a wife. I have my own house. There’s my car. I have capped teeth, TiVo, a good job ..and a dog that sits when I tell it sit. Nothing could be better than this. Wait – I don’t have my own people. …Honey!! I want my own people!”

“Actually. It depends on what you mean by pretentious.”

 

Call a pretentious man a name, and he will argue with you about that name. But call a pretentious man pretentious, and he will argue with you to within an inch of your sanity. 

–

I swear if you dance like no one’s watching I will rip you to shreds right here. 

–

Show me a man in need of food, and I will show you a friend. Show me a slice of birthday cake and it’s every man for himself.

–

There is nothing quite like the taste of home cooking. Except maybe engine coolant.

March 6th: A Day Of Things I’ve Observed (Observed)

Cream and sugar have a very visible chemical reaction inside my coffee. This fills me with joy.

---

The man upstairs doesn’t give a crap about you or me, he is just thuds and booms and loud TVs. Dammit Gil. I wish you didn’t live upstairs.

---

Timeless Classics:MAN: Pardon me madam, but I must inquire regarding what you’re going to do with all that junk.

WOMAN: ?

MAN: I beg your pardon, all that junk – inside that trunk.

WOMAN: (blushes) Oh, sir! Why, if you please, I’m going to get get get you drunk. Get you love drunk off my hump.

TOGETHER: My hump my hump. My hump my hump my hump. (END)

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My cousin is in a famous band. I knew lots of people who are now in famous bands and popular underground bands. I listened to everyone ever before anyone else heard of them. I use an excessive amount of rubber bands. I am cool.

Yes I am.

YES I am.

Am too.

Shoot you don’t know.

Shady

I do not trust people who spell it barbeque. Their competence has been compromised.