the KING in joking

I put the FUNK in dysfunction, the ABLE in unstable, the HONEY in your Miata's gas tank.

it’s not a cliche but it’s still really sad

A gringo ate my baby.

APPLICATION TO BE IN A CHICK BOOK OR FILM

Is your name:

a. Emma

b. Josie

c. A variation on a man's name

Do you want to get married and:

a. move up at work

b. earn your parents' approval

c. develop self-esteem

You are:

a. clumsy and awkward

b. insecure

c. clumsy, awkward, and insecure

Your plain looks and average-to-thin body bring you trouble. Your compensating quality, visible to everyone but you, is:

a. a co-worker hits on you a lot

b. you are intelligent and curious

c. you are friendly

Your obsession is:

a. your untouchable boss

b. your secretly royal co-worker

c. your secretly rich handyman

Your are discouraged by:

a. his snide, shallow girlfriend

b. your critical roommate

c. your insecurity…again

He is unavailable because:

a. he is inexplicably still dating the crazy girl

b. he is emotionally secretive

c. he has secrets from his past that are actually flattering to him once you find them out

You work at:

a. a publishing house

b. a modeling agency

c. a fashion magazine

Your moment of glory shows up when:

a. he shows your manager that you are worth something in the workplace, to which your manager responds by flattering him. later he rambles off a list of weird things about you that make him love you, and you kiss

b. you say something clumsy and awkward and then apologize profusely waiting for him to say he is not offended, causing him to ramble off a list of weird things about you that make him love you, then you kiss

c. he sees something innocent happen and decides you don't want to be with him so you chase him down and convince him he can have you, his dream girl, after all, and he rambles off …blah blah… and then you kiss

PLEASE TURN IN APPLICATIONS ASAP

Accepted applicants will be portrayed by Martine McCutcheon, Sandra Bullock, or the author's alter-ego projected onto an actress with little charisma, such as Dominique Swain or even Heather Graham. Make your dreams come true. Start today – this is that job ad that you apply to on a whim and all of a sudden you are intimidated by the fact that you are living your dreams (Chapter 2.)

Thanks,

Management

We aren’t disabled, we are disunderstood

It really gets my goat that I can’t find my database because I am blind.

Also, sometimes I can’t get to my files because Windows is not wheelchair accessible.

Even if I can somehow find a document, I can’t hear it.

 Thank you MSN, from the bottom of my pacemaker.

Thank you for your 15 minute wait.

This normal width road is being widened 4 feet for your convenience, as we anticipate fatter traffic.

hope?

Look at the bright side. Everybody dies.

it’s sitting on the desk right now spinning in violent circles!

My phone has the devil.

Be healed, Nextel!!!!!

Close the blinds I’m still depressed

I am starting to notice that no one really likes talking on the phone. I thought my inability to use the phone meant I was depressed. Turns out I’m actually just a mad crazy trendsetter.

—

It’s always darkest just before the dawn.
It’s always brightest just after.
…Weird.

big foreign deal

"Sorry I'm late this morning."

"Hey, so you're a few minutes late, no problem. BFD."

"Thanks man. And Buenos Freakin' Dias to you too, Joe."

Traitors and Foreigners, Sing These Familiar Lyrics

She's a Grand Old Flag, she's a High Flying Flag

And forever in peace may she wave

The emblem of the land I love

The home of the free and the brave

Every heart beats true to the red, white and blue

Where there's never a boast or brag -

WHOA. I am sorry but last time I checked the country station on my radio dial, Americans are putting a boot in your ass! That is the American way. We love that stuff! Maybe you forefather types would do well to keep your precious "virtue" to yourselves and keep your eye on your Grand Old back!

Bonus: A glossy 8″ by 10″ of Cartman, Pikachu, or Frylock!

Glamour Shots announces its new division: Internet Profile Shots! Ladies! Let us photograph you with your finger in your mouth, or wearing a revealing top. Gentlemen! Myspace visitors will be stunned upon seeing you surrounded by 12 cropped female shoulders. And you'll both do well on dating sites using our Internet Profiles headshot: one arm on the photographer's face, a faraway gaze, and the nouveau chin-or-forehead tilted focus. Call now – because the less attractive you are, the more you'll love Glamour Shots.

they taste stupid now

Imagine my disappointment when I opened my King Size M&M's bag only to find regular size M&M's. Piece of crap.

…something i said?

Hey remember that time you told that cute single guy how you hated the multimillion dollar business that his family created and how you thought it was so stupid. Then remember how you found out later that the guy was even in that family??

If you remember doing that, you're still going to have to do it one more time to compete with me, and next time the family business has to involve about 11 Grammys and a song with the words "sweet potato pie" and "a shut my mouth."

hey if you would just –

I just tried to tell a man that he was not a good listener, but I could not get through the sentence without being interrupted with some useless condescending comment. I just feel this is ironic, that's all. And annoying.

Get Checked

If your foot itches, but you have to scratch your knee to get it, you have classic symptoms of a dormant ebola virus. 

Science Lesson

Q: What is the life span of an Apartment Fly?

A: Two months so far.

this ought to help my psychosis!

i never feel like I am living up to my potential, and people seem to agree. It's hard to admit that I like who I am, because I sit around dreaming that I'll be someone else. And guess what. Life has inner beauty. That's what people mean when they say the best things are free.

stuff sounds better the wrong way

Until we got a Barnes & Noble in town a few years ago, I thought the name of the store was Bards & Nobles. I heartily insist that this is a better name for a bookstore.

advice. it’s not funny. but neither are regrets. except the one from camp, that one’s funny.

Is it really true, that you make as many mistakes while you are second guessing yourself – as if you don't second guess at all? It seems like every decision has its own effect, causing more effects - how can we say how things would have been different if we had or had not second guessed one move? Still those like me for whom second guessing is a way of life, would do well to try a little faith in themselves.

heeeey. how you doing.

Focus on the word boing. Boing boing boing. I understand phonics just fine, but the word doing is a serious problem. Read it like it’s spelled. DOING. What are you DOING? I wish we could just resolve this.

Unity At Long Last: The Creed

No matter what anyone says, there are commonalities in our lives and goals that unify mankind. Each of us wants to make the traffic light. We all want something tasty. We don't want inconsiderate, noisy neighbors. We don't want to know anything else about Beyonce. We wish we could be invisible at will. We thought of something but someone else got popular for it. We assert that we didn't ask to be born into this family. We don't like the smell of a paper mill.  We would never do that. We need better lumbar support. We are sure you are only sorry you got caught. We are sleepy.

get out of my tv

Be sure to tune in to Comedy Central's Carlos Mencia special, and get ready for the – "der-da-DERR" - same joke!

working title “snooze time is it anyway”

The film "9 to 5" is a classic comedy in which Dolly Parton attempts to make it in the real world but shows up an hour late to work every day.

slang slong

Sometimes my mom messes up and calls it "bling blong." I get so embarrassed, but I guess not everyone can remember the proper name for a russett potato.

lets narrow the definiton of interesting

TODAY I RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING E-MAIL:

Subject: Interesting

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00

in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

 BEWARE.    THIS    IS    A    HOAX.