and stay away from my family

Dear Commercials:

Stop warming my cockles.

I am serious.

apennysaved.blogspot

…Ben Franklin said all that stuff?? He was good. He should have blogged.

musicians vol.5

…Vitamin C!!

Now more than ever

Internet Personals: You need them really bad, because even sitting here and using them makes you just a little fatter.

politics

Al Gore might not be responsible for the entire internet, but I most definitely blame him for MySpace.

doesn’t make everything better!!

Dear Companies Who Make Things:

Stop adding vanilla.

Thanks.

a mark of shame

I know this goes without saying but I am saying it. The reason American Idol had more votes than any president ever, is because I myself was not faithful to text 1 866 Prez Vot continuously for 2 hours on election night.

Diagnosed at a young age with Echo and Repeat Disorder (ERD)…

It's the classic story - a woman who beat the odds and achieved triumph at long last. Kelly Clarkson wasn't going to let her speech impediment keep her down.

Said Miss Clarkson, "I will not (not!) let this keep me from my dreams (dreams!). I know my calling (calling!) is singing (singing!) and performing in music." Added Kelly, "(music!)"

Dear WebMail At Juno

Thanks for visiting my site every day.

Who still uses Juno?

You do.

musicians vol.4

….Fab but not Rob!

you bore me, i bore yours

I dreamed I had a baby with Tucker Carlson and I woke up clutching a bag of bowtie pasta.

But I don't remember buying any bowtie pasta.

Oh my gosh!

why Mom gets her own holiday

An original rap by my mother:

“They be callin me a hater. Cause I ride on a gator. When they call me I say see you later.

All my people on the street. All my people in the tree. (whisper: in the tree! in the tree!)”

real quote: “I don’t even know who he is”

Well whoever this Duke LaCrosse is, he sounds like a real jackass.

musicians vol.3

….Charlie last name Wilson!

Do Not Call!

Dear Headaches:

Please remove me from your list.

Thanks!

musicians vol.2

…. Bootsy Collins!

If you see only one waste of $100 million this year

Poseidon: Because Waterworld didn't suck enough.

musicians vol.1

… Modern English!!

it’s-all-a-bout-ba-lance

I had this nightmare with these yogurt zombies all clomping toward me, chanting in unison. "It's not a diet," they murmured, "it's a lifestyle change!" Aaaauuuuuuggggggh!

less frightened

If I could meet anyone dead or alive, I think I would meet someone alive.