Chris Cornell and Colin Farrell following in a grand tradition.

     

 

That’s precious, you guys. Everybody needs a role model.

Turn your oven to 400 degrees, then turn it off, and turn it on again.

Good Morning! You’re watching the Obsessive Compulsive Chef. Today we’re baking chicken. Now here’s my raw chicken you can buy at any grocery store. Can someone open this for me? That’s right just put it in that pan. OK can someone grab the pan handle for me please? Just turn it left. Now…

whose pajamas am i wearing anyhow

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed is not nearly as disconcerting as waking up on the right side of somebody else’s bed.

Memories! Golden!

When I was in college my friend drove a minivan. He called it the Cadillac of Minivans. Which would have been neat, except I always thought it was called the Cattle Lickin’ Minivan.

That’s the whole joke, but it’s true. I don’t think me calling my brother You Royal Hiney merits its own posting.

Video

Hi. I was looking for the spaceship with the strobe lights you guys rent out so I could shoot my music video. I looked some other places but it was just a bunch of dance studios and wet paved streets.  I like the futuristic vibe, you know, how everything’s blue and curvy in the future. Thanks. You can call me back after 5pm.

Why is it called red hair, when it’s obviously orange! Ha ha! Ha ha! Man I’m funny.

Another Baby

[(Pouring sounds) + (not giving a ****) = In Da Club, by 50 Cent]

+ [(Stomping and yelling) + (nonsense catchword) = Hollaback Girl, by Gwen Stefani]

= London Bridge, by Fergie

–

EDIT: Every time I hear Tipsy it bothers me that I got the pouring sounds part mixed up before. It’s in Tipsy. I think. Uh.

When I am old I will start a club, called the Late Nite Lit Knit. My sour old lady friends and I will knit and drink, and it will be so popular I will write a book about it. And I will sell the Lit Knit Kit, because consumers love rhyming products. And then no one will have to be a red hat lady anymore, and we can all go back to wearing red hats without hesitation.

Rufus I love you

This is probably not a good time to say it, what with you being across the country and gay, but I love you.

ha ha haaaaa

O key! I have you right where I want you now!! Next to the I key!

Hello Bobby Kennedy

You can no longer just name something Jack and make it cool. We are retiring the name Jack, and we hope authors, mothers, and musicians alike can respect our decision. Thanks. – Management

He’s not called the Inventor

I don’t want to be a party pooper but the joke “That’s why God invented…” has something intrinsically wrong going on.

Edison invented some stuff. God created Edison. God is the stuff that Edison found out about.

That’s not to say Edison invented God.

Why am I on a looney rant about something that is clearly a joke? Because of the phrase “all the sudden.” Sure it started innocently enough, but it grew beyond my control. I will not make this mistake again.

what i want

here is what i want. one husband. one child – a girl. two phone lines. four TVs. and one everlasting margarita.

here is what i do not ever want. a wedding. a house full of kids. a meat thermometer. to run out of anti-depressants.

i know this list won’t change anything but mark my words, no matter what happens, i will be wearing pajamas the whole time.

the military

i wish i knew that many hot guys. but even i have limits. 2 pushups. that’s my tip top.

books

I don’t like books. I like 3 sentence conversations and I like paragraphs. I read a really neat paragraph day before yesterday – well I skimmed it but it had the moral at the end.

Whichever wolf you feed – that was the point of it.

Man. That’s good stuff though.

uhm

Enrique. What is the translation?? Ricky? Henry? Ernest?

We all know a Spanish name is sexy no matter what. My daughter Crystalia Azul Persuasionos will testify.

nothing lasts forever

All we are is ducks in the wind.

Thinking way ahead

On my deathbed (let’s hope I can afford a bed at that time) I won’t give a flying flip if I had an important job, or if a bunch of people heard what I had to say. I just want to live contentedly and humbly. I am screwing myself by posting that. But that’s what I want. Holy crap, that’s good to know.

Chris!

I know you are just coming to my page and hitting “Refresh.” Those are pity visits, Chris.

Thanks.

Just For Family…Jennifer Aniston

How many people think this looks like my mom when she was my age?

That’s right. All of you do.

Maybe Bobby Hollywood can tell us for sure.

More congrats

On Jennifer Aniston finally having a child. The father is Helen Hunt. The kid turned out to be LeeLee Sobieski.

 PLUS

EQUALS = LEELEE  

 

I know I am the only person who sees this.

But I still insist that Nancy McKeon and Val Kilmer are related. Come on, they could be identical twins. OK shut up. I still think so.

….and….

Congratulations

Bill Murray and Paris Hilton had a baby. I know, it’s shocking. The kid turned out to be Brini Maxwell.

  PLUS   

EQUALS = BRINI 

 

something is afoot

Something smells like a foot.

No? OK maybe the USB port?

Good morning and thanks for tuning in. Today’s public service announcement is regarding the recent overuse of a computer term which I am sure is familiar to most of you. The powers that be wish to inform the general public that a “motherboard” is not a savvy item to refer to in everyday conversation. Calling repair shops and suggesting “it’s the motherboard” makes you sound less intelligent than you did before – not more.  Because we care, we have formally placed a restriction on the use of the term, allowing it only to be spoken of when the motherboard in question is visible and within reach. We thank you for your cooperation, and remind you that enforcement will be strict.