Wonka was a total rip off

Au-GUS-TUS Gloob!

In-To-The Chute! It’s ALL RIGHT.

(all right!)

A-A-All-Ri-ight!

That’s the only bit I can remember.

–

EDIT: Three elements, two epileptic Klingons, and a chick in a rainbow – can’t be wrong.

Sarah, Dutchess of Jersey

You’ll see more posts when the windmill is working again.  See, they run the internet cables alongside the cornfields and…  it’s just a long story.

Yankee Oodle.

I’ve been up north for two days and I am shocked at the sheer, overwhelming number of Northerners who live here.  Any observational humor in that, is strictly implied.

Inflection and Intonation Man

What’s with the French, man.

What’s with the French man?

I need to get my medicine, man.

I need to get my medicine man.

Intonation is mega, man.

Poem

I find that life is, for the most part

Times of peace and times of art

Happy Average

Today is my 25th birthday.  I awoke to find that I was not the genius I always suspected I might be.

I would rather have gotten a pony.

The WellActuallys

I liked that guy but he was a Well Actually. Everything I said, he was all, well, ACTUALLY, you know, there’s not enough rain in the atmosphere of Dante’s Hades for it to rain. Well ACTUALLY a girl is only 50% likely to become her mom – it’s actually a genetic impossibility for her to morph into a creature exactly alike to either parent. Well ACTUALLY I want to OWN a comic book store.

chia pets for the middle aged maybe

I’ve been found by some weird search terms before. But so far the most interesting is mom’s head garden. Mom’s head garden? Really? What are you looking up, dude?

i’m just trying to learn.

Am I the only one watching Sue tonight? Does anyone else think she is drunk?

My band is called Tedious And Predictable. Or, no, The General Picture. No…

I’ve imagined the process of naming bands and albums for some time. The general picture I have of it, is that everyone votes by ballot. Then the band decides to get behind one suggestion.  They are doing this because when they were naming the band, they just listened to conversations waiting for interesting pairings of words. It got so tedious and predictable that nothing sounded funny anymore. That’s why you have bands like The Killers. Nothing was funny and everyone decided to just get organized about it.

Does that sound right?

oh and january

I need to talk about my favorite names.  They are Celia, Lexi, Lucy, Cecily, Bex, and Howard. Something is strange about that pattern and I think I’m going to leave it up to someone else to figure out.

like, what’s he gonna do with it

I really wish Elvis were still alive today. Because I bet he would lend me 20 bucks. Sweet.

(play tv static) (now imagine that’s my voice)

I am so sick today. I haven’t had anything like this in years, which makes me think that I’ve got the Y2K bug. Advance warning if you had it – it makes a comeback 6 years later.

But come to think of it I had a lot of champagne back on Y2K. And aside from yelling 20 seconds after midnight that “I can’t get a freakin’ kiss!!” I haven’t had any memorable experiences relating to Y2K. Until now. My head hurts, I keep coughing, and I have no doubt that all my 19s are trying to turn to 20s, to no avail.

I know it’s a song

I can’t get this bishop woman out of my head

I can’t get this bishop woman out of my head

1. I am convinced these are not the real lyrics.

2. I need help finding out what they are. Who wants to help??

they can’t all be gems

Allie is the only person I know who quotes a movie before it is in theaters. Allie is the only person on earth who can stand Paula Deen. Allie is a very special individual and she will never see this post because it is not on YouTube. So since she’s not reading, let me say this: She is crazy to let me eat as much of her food as I do. Honestly, I am robbing her blind.

don’t expect to laugh. sorry. but then maybe you didn’t laugh at my other stuff.

I just learned this.

Life is a foreign language. Use it or lose it.

Meaning if you shut down and choose not to relive the pain of the past, then the benefit to the future is almost eradicated. Anything good that pain created in you may not be visible to you anymore.  My advice – look backward. It’s good for the soul.

There, now you know everything I know.

Let’s throw in an 800 number that hangs up on you when you choose any of the options.

Joe, here’s what I was thinking. Lets make everything really bright orange.

OK and here’s the voice over. “Woo hoo! Woo–hoo–hooo!” and then again for emphasis, on and on.

Joe we started this company to mock consumers, now are you on board or not.

That’s just odd.

We knew Lionel Richie was her father. But Star Jones as Nicole Richie’s mother?

The photos speak for themselves.

PLUS

EQUALS

EDIT: OK so she was adopted. Honestly, this whole thing is so over, I can’t believe I’m adding information here.

HFFFF. …. …. HFFFFFFF. …… HHHHFFFFFFFFF.

Stop breathing like that over the phone. STOP.

This is a good time to note that breathing loudly on a blind date is a big turn off. But that guy was nuts anyway and he was all, I am going to hike the Appalachian Trail, etc. useless things old people say.