You want me to eat them AFTER I cook them?

Brownie batter has made me realize this basic scientific fact: You can’t get suction on a wire whisk.

Orion

I’m using my blog to complain about a consumer product that I am allowing to cause me frustration. It was only a matter of time.

I don’t have cable. I want it desperately, but the person who promises to install it has found 2 months of reasons not to hook it up. That’s fine; I’ll make due with 6 channels.

A friend was throwing out a TV last year, and let me have it. On it, everything was green.

Today, I decided to borrow a TV my family wasn’t using instead. The Orion TV1926A, using the same antenna, gets only 4 channels. That’s tougher for me – NBC and the CW are the only channels with any shows that don’t scare me to death. I’m including you, Tyra on Fox. I don’t want to see any more predators being caught. I want to see Barbara Jean and Brock annoying Reba in her own home. Here’s the Orion. Try to guess what channel it’s on.

 The Orion needs its channels reprogrammed. I have two universal remote controls to do this with. There is no Menu button on the front of the TV. Reread that last sentence please.

I have pressed every button in existence, and I finally got this screen to pull up.

The bar beside “Ch Set” is flashing. There is no command that will navigate this menu. I can select “Ch Set,” which is what I did. It brings me to another menu, which I also cannot navigate.

The arrow goes from TV to CATV and back, and nothing moves or executes any commands. You can see my confusion. Who is selling TVs that cannot be programmed? Orion is. Naturally, I looked for help online.

There is no North American website for Orion. If you should happen upon the Orion Japan site, you can try making it”.com” instead. You will see this.

The Japanese site has an interactive graphic that might let you click on your country, though. The graphic goes through several images, including the two below.

Click to activate and use this control.

Oops – we meant to say, click to render this control useless and replace the moving graphic with one static image. Let’s try clicking any useful link.

Luckily I have a DVD player and a copy of Van Wilder.  Not the best movie ever made (sorry Allie) but better than – what is that anyway – Dateline’s interview with J.K. Rowling? She’s giving away details from her stories. Oh, no, no she’s giving away elements of the plot that she didn’t even use. We’ve managed to make the totally irrelevant even less relevant, then.

YOU CAN’T HOOK ANYTHING UP TO THIS TELEVISION.

If you think I do not need a rum and sprite right now, you are sadly mistaken.

American Dream

“Ohhhh, spare me! While you’re home paintin’ your nails, I’m out there bustin’ my butt. Do you know how many guys would kill to be the Regional Manager. You have no idea, do you. Of course you don’t. Unbelievable.”

Video

You guys don’t mind if I start posting links to things I like, do you? It’s kind of like I’m switching horses in the middle of the stream – I know. But I’m so baffled about what to do with all the wonderful internets (I’m sorry - intarwebnets) that I find.

Zen and the Art of Cheesy Old Person

True enlightenment is achieved the moment you accept that there’s always going to be dog hair on everything in your home.

I thought that was kind of funny until I realized it’s probably already out there in some e-mail forward, making rounds with the easily amused and over 60 crowd. Is it possible I’ve spent too much time with my parents?

If Ivana Trump married Winnie the Pooh she’d be Ivana Pooh

I just saw Glenn Close on Craig Ferguson’s show. They talked about her Scottish heritage and she claimed she was a Campbell.

I think I’m going to have a hard time making the jump from this:

To this:

On a related note, Neve Campbell once said, “I am a practicing Catholic, but my lineage is Jewish, so if someone asks me if I’m Jewish, I say yes.”

Do you understand the massive undertaking it would be for me to think of a Scottish Catholic Jew named Glen right now? I can’t bring this one back around. But Neve Campbell was a good choice over her birth name, Glenn Catherine Campbell McFinkel, right?

Take the heat

A watched pot never boils over.

So even hacks are doing something right

Unoriginality is probably the sturdiest argument that can be made for the existence of absolute truth.

Problems and Not Problems

Problems?

Greg Behrendt’s haircut. Not to mention his license to sponsor or perform makeovers expired August 3, 1986.

Stacy and Clinton. Much like Greg here, our lives can be meaningful without dressing like other people think we should.

Zach Braff. The self-appointed voice of my generation is calling out slogans for Wendys, Dirt Devil, and Charmin, if I remember correctly. Just because he knew who Nick Drake was before you did doesn’t mean you have to respect him.

Not Problems?

The bodies of Brooke Hogan and Kelly Clarkson.

The immature behaviors of people who were raised in a shallow world – Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears are not the worst examples of American character.

Tuberculosis. You’re not going to get TB, you can stop making excuses for your fear of flying.

The fact that you don’t write/sing/dance/garden/whatever. No one does all the things they’re good at, and if they do, they spread out the experiences over many years. Stop feeling guilty about not having started the great american novel. You’ll probably be happier if you let your talents set their own schedules.

Blog Anxiety

I’m suffering from it. So I think I’m just going to let this blog rot into nothing, as I’ve been diligently doing for some time now.

I do have a few things on my mind before I disappear though.

First, Skynyrd’s Sweet Home Alabama does not represent Kentucky or its chicken, and there are no words to describe how I feel when those commercials come on. It’s like using “Amazing Grace” to sell toilet bowl cleaner.

Next, I have decided that if I ever get a word tattooed on me in a language I don’t know, I will consider the word “perspective” which is really in my opinion one of the core elements of a well-lived life. For instance, it has been the foundation for my ability to chill, and it is a great friend to the virtue of empathy.

On that topic, I am sick of people telling me to “live” my life. I AM EFFING LIVING IT. You preachy, closed-minded arses. (Not cussing.) (And not empathizing, currently.)

And Now, A Warning: We all know not to go to WebMD when we’re sick, or we’ll all come out of there thinking we have viral meningitis and the black plague. A new threat looms where - my darling – Wikipedia, is found. You will find that you have every form of anxiety, phobia, and dysfunction that may be listed, and you’ll be acutely aware of all your sad little coping mechanisms. So, with chronic depression like yours, you really ought to avoid Wikipedia.

Okay, look. No one likes that “blog” or “podcast” or “myspacing” are the new definitions of our culture. You’ll do well to just rise above. Use the terms where appropriate, and sail on without hesitation. Your peers will admire your maturity, ok? And if they don’t, just know in your heart, that w00t! you pwned them. (No matter what I do, I stay unclear on pwn, but like it.)

If you are writing, you may use ANY literary device you find at your disposal. But if you are interested in being a tolerable conversationalist, you may not employ the following device.

Example1: I couldn’t find you! I went to the mall, I went to the store, I went to the church, I went to the house.
Example2: I don’t care how you spend your money. You have to take care of it, you have to make your own decisions, you have to answer to yourself.

We took 6th grade grammar. So, we know how to create a list, separated by commas. And our mamas dragged us to church, so we know what a sermon sounds like. It is not necessary to build drama every time you need to recite a list. I know I’m guilty of it, but I’m just trying to use my celebrity to raise awareness.

Ask.com is The Algorithm. I find that incredibly hot. The slogan is so sexy. It’s geek-perfect. It’s efficient and somehow mixes words and math. Not a lot of people like “The Algorithm” as a motto, but I’d totally date whatever guy thought of it (…assuming he made a lot of money from it.)

That ought to be enough for everyone tonight; it’s certainly been enough for me. Bye.