Youseless and Iceless

I have been privy to many an interesting comment in my day.

• My manager, in response to my petition to study and earn a job-related license. “You don’t want to learn too much. Knowing all that information will limit you.”
• A strange woman, to a professional Catholic apologist, all 3 of us having just met at a party. “You’re Catholic? Oh, it’s OK, I know that some Catholics are actually Christians.”
• My big brother, when we were in elementary school, subtly explaining why east and west are unnecessary labels. “THIS is my right hand. But, see, if I face the other direction, now THIS is my right hand.”
• Me, after meeting a beautiful Irish man somewhere in Birmingham, “They should have a designated place that they keep foreign guys.” (My friend, “You mean like – other countries?”)

Things I didn’t know til my 20s

I didn’t know that belly button salad is just a clever name for a pasta. My brother told me it was cooked ostrich belly buttons, and I didn’t question it until I heard myself explaining it to someone.

My brother and I both grew up thinking that a friend of the family had died because a fly landed in his orange juice, and his head exploded. It’s awful for me to laugh about that, but you can’t imagine how earnestly I believed it. I still never drink orange juice if I haven’t kept my eye on it.

I didn’t know at all that when people you pass mutter, “How are you,” they are completely unconcerned with how you actually are. The first I heard of it was in a college class where we were discussing idioms.

Re ationships.

There’s a thin line between being an S.O., and being S.O.L.

Like a plastic fish with a magnetic tongue, then.

I have a mind like a steel trap. I have provided an illustration.

A Sharks Pee

One of K’s posts got me thinking about anagrams – do they somehow foretell our destinies? …Shaken Near Peas? Why, yes I am!!

A lot of mine have to do with speaking, like “Share Speak” and “Speak As Her.” I like those, because my degree is in Speech.

But I have less positive feelings toward subliminal orders to kill, like in “Erase Aspen Hank.”

Dustjacket

I hate dustjackets. But I always save them while I’m reading the book. Because inevitably I’ll read a peculiar line… and I’ll need to look the author in shims beady little eyes, trying to figure out what was really being said. So I updated my avatar and my About page. Feel free to look in shims beady eyes too.  Except shim is definitely a she. (Excluding this Friday’s trip to Rocky Horror.)

Innnnnn troducing Me. Now with less coherence!

I have decided to try using tags. Because when I have taken an ambien, but I can’t sleep, I like to humiliate myself by typing things and publishing them. I think a tag for that is fair.

Anyway I need to say something. I think a great idea for a commercial would be to do the whole, baseball diamond, lights flipping on (clunk! CLUNK!), seeing a hand hitting in a baseball glove…. with a voiceover about our childhood dreams. Then you talk about how your products appeal to that, and you throw out your brand name. Then you see the hand with the glove again, and it pans up to a little girl’s face, looking very ambitious and happy.

It’s a good sell.

And it’s WAY LESS OFFENSIVE than the commercial I just saw where a child (who wasn’t even that precious) was throwing the laundry in the washer…. and the voiceover insisted that this kind of toy helps your daughter achieve her dreams. That is her dream. To change the laundry over. It’s the greatest.

You know, every time I write something I don’t like, I try to be very brave, leaving it online. They say once it’s there, it’s never gone, even if you remove it. The question is, if you had the power to call up previous internet mistakes, where would I rank on that list?

I just want people to know that if you are going to exploit your children, there’s a more effective way to market that exploitation, toward a more appealing ethos.

Oh my gosh, will she save, or will she publish. Save or publish. Saaaave or publish…….

Thanks.

I subbed in a class of one-year-olds today. You get to think about that on your own because I’m not going to try to explain why one-year-olds are in a class.

The lady I taught with really liked me. She said, “You should consider being a full-time nanny.”

Guess you had to be there.

Not Your Father’s E-mail Forward

Irony is king lately, and it’s become a tyrant. Everyone I know thinks they are Jerry Seinfeld. Some of them may as well be, but is it really that hard anymore? How many times have you been tricked into opening an e-mail, only to find it filled with things like, “why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway!” “if the black box always survives a crash, why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff!” etc. etc. ugh. And now you can’t get coffee with someone, without hearing them point out something that doesn’t make sense, and being expected to laugh at their insight.

James will call me out on my God Opens A Window post here, but I insist I’m just a product of my environment.

Allie is usually sincere when she asks a question, which makes her an exception. She called her husband last week; here it is.

“Don’t cars have batteries?”

“Yes.”

“I mean, don’t all cars have to have a battery to run?”

“Yes.”

“But they all have engines too?”

“Yes.”

“So, all cars are hybrids?”

Robinella (oh, and the CC String Band)

My friend Jack met her once (I believe they played shows on the same night) and I like to tell him that he hit on her (but he didn’t.) Jack doesn’t read this blog so as far as you people are concerned, he totally hit on her. This song is good, albeit a tiny bit sad. I couldn’t find a video for the other song I wanted to post, but this one’s worth at least one listen.

I like this song.

Vienna Teng, “Gravity”

New Reality Hit: “Ink Blot Test”

Every time I turn on my TV, all I see is people who have more money than I do.

If it’s not a bumper sticker already, that’s probably best.

Procrastinators are changing tomorrow.

What a relief

So my dog comes in today, and says to me in this really really deep voice, “Did you leave the refrigerator open?”

Obviously I think I’m losing it. So I put down the breakfast wine.

Then I level with him, I go, “Why do you ask?”

And he’s like, “I wasn’t sure if I had done it by accident.” But this time he said it in his normal voice.

Whew! I have to laugh at how paranoid I can be.