Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

“Virgil, with the gnat and puddings;” – Desiderius Erasmus

This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

” I am still left with unpowdered wigs.” – Karl Marx

This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

No, I don’t know how long I’m going to do these. It can’t last too long.

Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

“A great ox stands on my tongue.” – Aeschylus

This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

“Housekeeping ain’t no joke.” – Louisa May Alcott

This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

“Further, some want pickled or fried fish.” – Ramakrishna Paramahamsa

 This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

Your Daily Decontextualized Scholarly Word

“A woman’s love is only pretense and weakness.” – Soren Kierkegaard

This has been your daily decontextualized scholarly word.

How to be dramatic without creating panic

It would be funny to constantly threaten to throw yourself off the bottom stair, onto the linoleum.

Life in These United States

Astute criticism now qualifies as comedy.

So my pointing that out should be enough to warrant a blog post, right? Of course it’s right. And thus hilarious.

Hang N. Tough

Am I the only one who secretly hopes Hoda Kotb’s middle initial is N.?

Oct 27: Identity Returned

The local paper publishes the police logs online, and today I found one I liked.

Oct 26

“Identity theft from unknown”

Top 3 Dumbest Dream Events

3. The first lucid dream I ever remember happened when I was in college. My french professor was always saying humiliating things to me in class, like “You want to learn French to meet boys don’t you!” and calling me Delilah. I used my dream to undress him in front of the class. It was good revenge until he was in his big fat pinned-together diaper and I started furiously wishing he’d get dressed quick.

2. I’ve invented all kinds of things while I slept. My favorites are the jet that takes off over water (I think that’s actually a real thing now) and the Shadow Light. It’s just like a flashlight, but when you flip the switch, it casts a round shadow wherever you point it.

1. One of my worst nightmares had me wading down into a beige room filled about waist-high with water, where two regular-shaped (but 5 feet tall) goldfish were swimming very slowly. All life in the entire dream was in pause-motion – like when you push pause and go frame to frame. I tried to avoid the one on the right by wading toward the left. This took some effort. But when I got to the left one, I saw his mouth. That cute fish-lip-open-close had become like an unavoidable threat of being devoured alive. I had plenty of time to plot my next move, but my feet wouldn’t get me anywhere on pause-motion. I was too close. I had to stare at him in horror, knowing that I couldn’t move, and watching his big goldfish mouth bob open and closed at me, for what seemed like half an hour.  It was terrifying.

Top 5 Dumbest Paranormal Events

5. 10th grade. I dreamed about wearing a cute outfit. The next morning I found clothes I didn’t even know I had in my closet. I wore it to a small party that week and got tons of compliments on it.

4. 12th grade. I dreamed I was in the Mentos commercial where the girl has to rip the heel off her shoe.  The next week my high heel broke, and I was able to rip the heels off and keep walking.

3. One morning, over 20 years ago, a relative of mine was completely alone in the house and heard a voice speaking clearly in the other room. The voice said, “Should we tell her about the receipts?”

2. 8th grade. I dreamed out the entire timeline and sequence of my adult life. It’s spooky right up until the end where somehow McDonalds got in a quick plug for their McMuffin and there’s a casual joke about a lawsuit from their boiling hot coffee.

1. 2nd grade, I think. I came home from school to find my bed made perfectly (a task I was too small for at the time). I went to thank my mom, who said she didn’t do it. Everyone in my family said they didn’t do it, and I’ve just always assumed that one time an angel made my bed.

Reality Overbites

Over the last two days, my blog has seen more traffic than it sometimes sees in an entire week.

As much as I would like to think this is thanks to my sparkling wit and jaunty new red hair (which is already a different shade than in the pictures) it looks like Google just values my one post about Hannah Montana’s horrible clear braces.

I promised to extrapolate on why I can’t stand Miley Cyrus in that post, and it’s high time I do that.

First, she is everything I was at 14. Awkward, skinny, dramatic, loud, self-assured. Did I mention awkward?

Second, she is a lot of things at her early age that I am still not at 26. Famous, rich, gainfully employed, absorbed in the sweet ignorance of believing she is incredibly special.

But worst of all, her raspy little voice is exactly like mine was until I was at least 22. Can you imagine spending a half hour listening to yourself as a teenager, singing awful songs and making terrible jokes? Can you imagine what it would be like to hear a laugh track play every time you speak, and cringing at your own cluelessness?

And that’s why.

Make Your Own: Eerie Coincidence

This place lets you find just about any number sequence inside Pi.

I found my full birthdate. Then I ran out of ideas.

http://www.angio.net/pi/piquery.html

Because It’s Mine

And I can post whatever I want on it.

I was proud of my Halloween costume, “Murderous Housewife.” My cousin decided to play along as “Framed Prisoner.” 

I’m notorious for having demon eyes in pictures. I don’t mind so much this time!