How many times have I gone on hiatus? If you said, more times than you’ve gone on duty but fewer times than some other large amount, you’re correct. The truth is that life has to come first these days, and my imaginary audience gets to take a backseat. But pretend it’s a station wagon backseat and that will make it fun for you.
Behind all my crazy and my weird lies a real person, and that person is absolutely crazy and really really weird. Can you imagine having to live this way? This is my argument for the fact that sometimes my life just isn’t very funny. Why do I feel the need to apologize so often for the fact that this sporadically updated blog is sporadically updated? Well, I’m insecure. And posting this also knocks out one small task so I can feel like I got something done today.
I like to hit the Mute button during commercials. Yeah, I have big opinions about how pathetic it is that Americans must endure commercials at all times, but they’re boring so nevermind.
Only the Adult Swim bumps and a handful of other commercials (I can think of one local hospital commercial) have a the right idea: Don’t brutally kick-box people’s senses while they recline in the safety of their homes.
Yes, I have a list of grievances a mile long. There’s the fact that commercials now acknowledge their influence on American musical taste, and strategically choose well-known “unknown” artists in an effort to look cool. Children, these are corporations. They are not “cool.”
And why haven’t they figured out that silence is a much more effective tool to make people pay attention to the message? It’s like they’re doing a project for an advertising class; they’re not using common sense. And everyone knows “free” either means “$18 S&H” or “With a paid subscription” or my favorite, “You’ll forget to mail this back to us, and we’ll bill you.”
The point here is that I’ve noticed a few ads that offend me so strongly that I actually hit the POWER button on my TV. I am so irrationally overcome by an extreme need to make the commercial stop right this second, that my mute button is simply no good.
Here is a short list of the offenders I’ve noticed as of late.
5. The Vonage commercials. I know them on sight, and I’ve gotten very good at turning them off before the woo-hoo chorus starts. It’s been something like two years they’ve continued this campaign despite my impassioned protest e-mails, which read something like, “I don’t care if Vonage is giving out the antidote to SARS, I’ll never give you any money.” Aw, it’s nice to realize how old and opinionated I’ve gotten.
4. Any images of this founding member of Future Creepy Cult Leaders of Television:
3. The precise moment (it used to be 10 seconds in, now I can call it at 5) I realize this is a whiny Old Navy song, and not the song the Whos sing in Whoville at the end of the story.
2. Lipozene… Oh you have to be kidding me. I can’t even begin to explain why this is so offensive. “BODY FAT IS UNATTRACTIVE!” Wow, did the Obesity Research Institute tell you that too then? Thanks for the unnecessary insult to the majority of your viewers, and all the people who are attracted to them. I had a subscription to Cosmopolitan like every other needlessly insecure young girl, and I’m already wise to your game. p.s. I hate you.
This isn’t the offending ad, but it’s just as dumb. Some blond journalist spewing propaganda and saying, “It’s not your fault! You aren’t the one who had children, has a job, doesn’t exercise, and eats the wrong foods!” Gee, your mixed messages have changed my life. Send me two boxes of this clinically proven miracle that is only available over the counter, post haste.
1. 1,2,3,4 Tell me that you love me more, 5,6,7,8 Bombard me with a song I hate.
There really a people who get paid to assign music to any given ad – these people are practically musical encyclopedias. How disappointing that somehow they’ve only been able to choose Feist, Ingrid Michaelson, the otherwise precious Regina Spektor, CSS, Mika, and Lifehouse over – oh, I don’t know, every other available musical act?
Music is probably the most immediate way that advertising can make a connection with me. Misusing it is the worst of the worst, so until things change, I’m keeping the remote control handy.
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Here’s an example of a local commercial that doesn’t assault your peace of mind. Not the one I was talking about before, but still a good example.
Allie has yet to write the guest blog I wanted her to write. It’s been a while since I asked her, hasn’t it?
So, I like to think she knew that I would post this. Enjoy.
To supplement your declaration of certain words that can no longer be used in Christian media, I would like to add the following excerpt from a recent interview. The interviewee shall remain nameless in a small attempt to preserve his/her dignity.
“I grew up in a family of musicians,” says lead vocalist/rhythm guitarist and Gaither Vocal Band fan [John Doe]. “My mom, brother, sister and I have always sung Southern Gospel songs as the special music in our small Baptist church, and I still sing Southern Gospel on the side. In middle school I was introduced to pop music, which molded my voice more. When I joined [the band], I eventually developed more of a ‘rock voice.’”
“Developed” may be the understatement of the year. [John Doe]’s soaring vocal boldly stands atop a tightly knit four-piece musical bed that seamlessly blends influences like Anberlin, Jimmy Eat World and Foo Fighters. Still writing and rehearsing their songs together in the [hometown church] sanctuary, [the band] hopes its debut CD, produced by [the producer] (Superchick, Stellar Kart, By the Tree), will help the band stretch its wings and take them beyond the borders of the South, and even of the church.
“God has called us to ‘be a light in the darkness,’” [John Doe] notes. “We want to use our music to tell people about Jesus, people who might not hear the conventional way. We make music that could, because of its sound, easily make its way outside the walls of the church. There are so many songs out there portraying so many negative things. We want our music to be played alongside those songs, but we hope to send a positive message of hope and forgiveness to people who are hearing that message less and less.”
[Jim Doe] adds, “My top priority is to see people come to know Jesus because of something they hear in one of our songs or by something we say from stage or whatever platform we have. Just to change lives really. One thing that’s always been in my mind is to change what people think about Christianity and God. Some people view Christians and Christian bands as a joke, and I want to show people that we as Christians are real people living a real life through God and subsequently make them realize what we have is real and what they ultimately are longing for.”
[Brackets] mine.
I would like to declare that anything resembling the previous excerpt is forbidden for use in interviews from this point forward. Anyone who violates this decree will be subjected to public humiliation in front of the audience at multiple Christian music festivals.
Punishments will range in decree of severity as follows:
Minor: Violator will be forced to sing without backing tracks.
Medium: Violator will have to sing multiple songs – from memory – by a number of his/her so-called “musical influences”. (See above article – re: Jimmy Eat World, Foo Fighters)
Severe: Violator will be forced to admit being party to a sex scandal. Said sex scandal will not be allowed to be used as a vehicle for an altar call.
