Predictions for 2008

Usually, my psychic sense is very in tune with rhyming truths. Meaning that if I predict the sun will come out, it probably means something like, the gum will run out. Here are 13 things that rhyme with or sound like possible events this year. Enjoy/Beware/Disregard!

13. The idea that young celebrities behave inappropriately because they are troubled – not because they are “idiots” or “skanks” – will gain mainstream acceptance. However, speculating about people who have little to do with their actual lives will remain inexplicably interesting to most people.

12. Ann Coulter is revealed as an elaborate performance art project conceptualized by 22 year old Nathan B. Womack of Michigan. His thrilling account of his sexual reassignment surgery, origins of his outlandish statements, his brush with international fame, and his profound interest in the band Good Charlotte, are all detailed in his latest book, entitled “Truth is a Liberal Lie.”

11. Joel McHale will fall out of favor with the American public because he stopped making constant suicide jokes after the writers strike. Carlos Mencia will steal said jokes and be promoted to host of Chelsea Lately.

10. The recently popularized “Speak English” campaign will successfully lobby for amended laws in at least two states. Immediately, Facebook groups pop up in response announcing that the United States has no official adopted language. Among public schoolers, the attitude that people must speak English in America will be received as elitist and ignorant. Interest in learning the Cherokee tongue will skyrocket. My father will go to jail for joking, “If those freaks want to speak English, they can go back to England!”

9. Your children will die because they saw The Golden Compass. Sorry.

8. The entire ghost population will receive a summons to trial in the only slightly publicized Spirits vs. Johnny Bob Martin, in which Martin seeks damages for intimidation and unspecified injury. Martin’s case will be thrown out. In an unrelated case, 2 ghosts are given probation after being overheard saying “I’d kill that Martin, if ghosts could kill people.”

7. The Food Network will continue their pursuit of the 18-24 Male audience. By November they gain exclusive rights to air Ninja Warrior. Paula Deen does a special in which she bakes an inflatable pool full of Mississipi Mud, then mud wrestles Giada – who insists on calling Deen by her Italian name, “PAH-OOH-d’lah.”

6. Inconceivably, America elects a Republican president.

5. My whereabouts continue to evade 3 collections agencies. After one too many unheeded telegrams to his superiors, the IT guy at one of the agencies projects his Mac’s screen onto the company’s east wall and opens The Google. He is shot on sight and his computer is quickly wrapped in a lead apron and driven to an occult expert, who begins using it to collect money from debtors. The company finds out and makes plans to sue the occultist, but is unable to locate him.

4. I get into a good steady relationship and feel like a beautiful and interesting person for at least several months. I screw it up but I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. Someone tells me I have to let love fill me up like a sponge before I can give it to others. I get offended and write a song about it, but I can’t manage to play the song, so I give up. Over the next month I spend a combined 12-13 hours sobbing while listening to “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” by the Backstreet Boys.

3. After the release of that scary eye patch movie, America unifies for a moment to announce that Tom Cruise is crazy for believing in his religion. Tyra Banks does a show on religious intolerance and she has everyone in her audience write their religious affiliation on their t-shirts.. Those who identify as scientologist are simply given red A’s and blindfolds, and made to sit quietly in the back. Tyra’s own shirt reads,”Lauer First Chapel of Glib.”

2. Nancy Grace verbally assaults a guest commentator using the argument, “I am a mother of two twins!”

1. I try Circus Peanuts again to see if they are still vile. I immediately conclude that they really, really are.